When you survey the state of your life, spending Saturday night watching five movies straight and making consistent progress on a $13 12-pack, you think yourself a modern-day Caligula. Yes, Caligula would live this way if he were alive in 2021 AD and not 21 AD. Caligula would wear high-top Chuck Taylors holding onto dear life with duct tape. Caligula would drive a ’94 Subaru. Caligula would have a Bumble account. Caligula would do data entry.