Turning on Your Fertility Machine

Check those dystopian body horrors of modern motherhood at the door.

What if I told you there was a wireless, carbon-neutral technology that could prevent pregnancy without the use of synthetic xenoestrogens that turn women into lesbians? 

What if I told you that this same technology could help you achieve pregnancy virtually on demand. Check those dystopian body horrors – freezing your eggs, your embryos, and your soul – at the door!

That’s right, folks! Step right up and try the magical, mysterious fertility machine! Here’s the good news: if you’re a person with a uterus, you already own one. Best of all, it’s free!

I found out about my own fertility machine after I experienced a crushing miscarriage with my first pregnancy. As soon as I stopped crying, I decided the only cure was to become pregnant again immediately. But I didn’t want to become Matthew Broderick’s wife in Election. You know the scene I’m talking about. Luckily, before my poor husband was forced into house arrest, an ankle monitor strapped to his leg so he couldn’t get too far, a friend intervened. 

She was one of those weirdos who are “in touch with her cycle.” I was not. But she told me about a remarkable book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health, by Toni Weschler. Apparently it’s a classic, but from Ms. Weschler’s author photo, I was skeptical. Was this frizzy-haired boomer feminist in Seattle actually going to have anything of value to say to me, a proto-Catholic tradwife? She probably had faded Coexist and I’m Still With Her bumper stickers on her 2010 Prius. She looked like the proud mother to many cats. Did I really want her advice on getting pregnant?

Yes. Yes, I did. 

Using the book’s simple, intuitive charts and natural tracking tools, I could actually pinpoint the precise days of the month that I would be able to conceive, and act accordingly. 

Instead of throwing darts blindly at the wall for thirty days, I suddenly could direct laser-guided missiles that could strike their target with close to 100 percent accuracy every time. 

These are the odds you want when you are in “I need me a baby” mode. 

And for those of you trying to actively avoid baby mode, I suggest you give chastity a whack (no pun intended). But if you are simply looking to space out your next pregnancy, or avoid pregnancy for good reasons like illness or other urgent life circumstances, this book is also for you!

Once you learn what days are “safe” and what days are not, for whatever your intentions are, you actually do feel like you have taken charge of a mysterious and powerful machine you didn’t quite know you had. You are finally harnessing your fertility’s power and bending it to your will! It works for you now, instead of the other way around. 

Toss out your disease-inducing, water-table poisoning xenoestrogen pills, ladies. Have those barbaric IUDs removed and the OB who talked you into one sued for malpractice and for making you gain weight.

Catholics call “taking charge of your fertility” Natural Family Planning, or NFP. But there is nothing in this book that a Catholic would object to – in fact, if anything it is actually somewhat anti-doctor and against the overmedicalization of women. Pregnancy is not a disease, and does not require preventive medical intervention.

Once you learn how your body works, you’re left with a profound sense of awe that you – yes, you! – are endowed with this spectacular, miraculous power. What other book ends with you delivering a real baby? Toni Weschler has written her own version of The Neverending Story, but it is up to the reader to write their own happy ending.

Use it wisely. Now go forth and multiply!